She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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