if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
