He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
