So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
