I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
