The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
