Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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