I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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