just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
