I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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