I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
