Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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