Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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