last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
