dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
