It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
