I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
