Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
