operation have a gay friend backfired
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
