just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
