I wish I could punch you in the face.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
