Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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