Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
