i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
