I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
