I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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