Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
