I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
