if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
