Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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