dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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