i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
