So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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