I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
