This is not my ceiling
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
