i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
