he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
