You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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