honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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