If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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