Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Still dying that you shit outside
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
