forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
