i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
