clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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