Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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