Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
