Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
