Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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