I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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