If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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