After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
