Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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