you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
